This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately.
__________________________________________________________Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: .......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... / .......
4. Serial Number: .................................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply):
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, pleasen indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured DestructionThank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIREGod would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, She asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yaweh
__ Jehova
__ Allah
__ God
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jesus
__ Satan
__ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ NoIf no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
__________________________________________4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus on who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes
__ NoIf Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The great Spirit
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ Cthulhu
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ Bill Clinton
__ A burning cabbage
__ Other: ________________6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Palmistry
__ Self-help books
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Insurance policies
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Ann Landers
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll
__ Bill Clinton
__ ESP
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other: _______________
__ None7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood - 1 2 3 4 5
famine - 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake - 1 2 3 4 5
war - 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence - 1 2 3 4 5
plague - 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM - 1 2 3 4 5
AOL - 1 2 3 4 5b. Miracles
rescues - 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions - 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns - 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues - 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine - 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other than the Hudson) - 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery - 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks - 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive - 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series - 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election - 1 2 3 4 59. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
Two Digits for a Date
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two.""This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away."But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check.
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.[key change, big finish]
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.
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